Fantastic Advice #2: Myspace or Yours?

Remember the old days, when the only time you would hear the word "stalker" was in reference to some lovable, zany character who zanily scaled the security fence of a celebrity and then zanily tried to murder said celebrity in his or her sleep? Well, those days are long gone, and with their passing we usher in a new age, the age of Myspace.

I remember the first time I ever heard of Myspace. Yay, I recall it in vivid detail as if 'twere but yesterday...

[Cue dreamy-type music for flashback]

Nate: Hey Joel, you know how you are always way cooler than I am?

Me: Is the sky Catholic?!

Nate: Um, what? Well anyway this time I'm the cool one because I just discovered this awesome website.

Me: Oh really, what is it?

Nate: It's called "Myspace," and you get to make your own profile and tell people all about your interests and crap.

Me: Ha, ha! That site is for losers. It will never catch on! Again I say, ha!

[End flashback sequence]

As you all know, I was wrong. Not about the site being for losers, but that it would never catch on. I honestly thought that Myspace would always be solely the domain of undereducated, perverted self-aggrandizers and internet junkies too timid to make face-to-face interaction, but instead it has turned out completely diff... okay nevermind that, the point is that it caught on.

Which brings me to my original point about stalkers. Nowadays, the word is thrown around like weird German underwear at a David Hasselhoff concert. How many times a day do you hear people in your dorm/apartment talking about how either they or someone they know has been "Facebook stalked" or "Myspace stalked," or "actually stalked--no seriously I mean some guy crept through my window while i was sleeping and tried to photograph me?" Pay no attention to that last one. I swear I was just trying to find my pen which I let her borrow, or something. The point is that stalking is no big deal anymore. Its not that this new form is any less invasive--in most cases it's probably more invasive--it's just that nowadays we submit to it willingly.

Now, I know there are a few hold-outs out there reading this. You're probably sitting there thinking, Wtf* mang? I have IM; isn't that good enough? No. This isn't 2000 anymore, okay Jonny McLivinginthepastman? IM profiles nowadays aren't used to describe one's self as much as to post links to anti-war or anti-cancer websites, provide oh-so-deep song lyrics, and share really meaningful and sage advice passed down through the ages from wise philosphers, who said things like "LiVelAuGHloVe."

So stop using your IM profile to describe yourself (name, age, favorite foods, etc.) and start using it to type in AlteRnAtiNg cApiTOl aNd lOwErCasE LEtTerS. You should probably throw in a couple ~tildas~ and maybe some *asterisks* for added panache. Then go set up your Myspace profile.

When creating your Myspace profile, there are three levels at which you can do it.

Level 1: Apathy and Neglect
The entry-level Myspace user's profile is characterized by extreme negligence. This is the guy who set up his account in January of 2005, and maybe checks it every six months or so to see if any hot chicks have tried to add him as a friend.

The profile look: basic blue and white. No additions or alterations, although there might be a song playing, most likely by Dave Matthews Band or O.A.R.

Level 2: High Timidity or Closet Narcissist
The Level 2 user's profile is often set to "private," meaning that Billy-Rae Stalkenberry cannot just click on the user's picture and suddenly have access to all her "besties" (like friends only way more gay of a term) and favorite bands, food, and how killer last night's party was. This user has no doubt visited www.dannyssweetandawesomemyspacelayoutdesigns.com and has made some entry-level changes to background colors, font styles, and text effects.

Because her profile is set to private, you have to specially request to be her friend or make comments on her page. Don't be deceived, though. Deep down, the Level 2 user is an attention freak. She just wants to have a little security at the door, like a bouncer at a trendy nightclub. Basically she wants you to work to give her attention. You can't just adore her, you need her permission first. It's brilliant.

Level 3: Full Blown Mind Evaporation
I know from the title of this one, you are going to think that being at Level 3 is a bad thing. Au contraire, mon frere. The third level of Myspace use is the one to which we should all aspire. The Level 3 user has completely surrendered any and all privacy he would ever hope for, and in return has been granted full internet exposure and fame.

The Level 3 profile is so jumbled up with sparkly stars, black backgrounds, scrolling picture slideshows, movie quotes, and sound bites, that it has become impossible to discern any kind of meaningful information about the actual person. When you visit a Level 3 user's profile, you may notice that every square inch of your monitor is covered by a picture of somebody from either "The OC," "Laguna Beach," or "Family Guy." This is a good thing. You may also think you are going insane because you hear two or even three songs at once. This is because the user's zeal to make the kickin'-est Myspace profile ever caused him to add in nine songs from his favorite artists (all of which are currently playing on top-40 radio stations right now!). You should be happy only three of them are playing at once.

Level 3 is most frequently reached by teenage girls and 23-year-old guys who like to date teenage girls, so expect a lot of sparkly things and references to Japanese card games (yeah that's right, Woj, I said it).

Until you have achieved Level 3 status, or as I like to put it, "Myspacenlightenment," it is best to visit Level 3 profiles only in measured amounts. Otherwise, your head is going to explode, so don't say I didn't warn you.

To summarize, you need to get on Myspace. Work your way through the levels, and I want to see which of you can be the first to make it to Level 4, which is when your profile is just a gigantic ball of glitter. Get ready, get set, get stalked!

*What's the Four-one-one? This is a profanity-free weblog, okay jerks?

fin

Addendum: You can now check out College Knowledge on Myspace. Click here to see our kick-a profile!!!1