Multitasking™

“If you can’t ride two horses at once, you shouldn’t be in the circus.” -Ancient American Proverb

While I was driving to the store today, a man drove up behind me talking on his cell phone and gesturing wildly with his other hand out the window (because of course whoever he was talking to could see him pointing). He also, for what reason I couldn’t at first tell, kept reaching his left hand - in which he was holding a cigarette - across his body to something next to him; it took me awhile to realize that he was driving stick and was using his left hand to shift, since his right was occupied. I suspect he was also filling out tax returns with his feet, but he rolled up his window before I could ask him a third time.

All this reminded me of one of the most important CollegeSkills™: Multitasking.* If you want to stay on top of your classwork and other responsibilities and still have time for sleep (or, better yet, video games), multitasking is essential. Here are a few handy tips for combining/simplifying tasks:

1) If you have a friend (very loose definitions of “friend” are acceptable) with a car, pay careful attention to remarks like, “I’m gonna need more pop soon,” or “I guess I should go buy toothpaste one of these days.” Casually mention to them that you were going to take the bus to the store later, but seeing as how both of you need to go anyway, why don’t they just drive you? Unless they really say the toothpaste thing, because nobody wants to ride in a car with someone who has bad breath.

2) Essays can be reused. Remember how in elementary school you had to do “independent reading” or whatever they called it, and every single year you claimed to read Catcher in the Rye? It works the same way in college. The trick is to find professors who use that magical phrase, “subject of your choice.” A few strategic edits and bam, you’ve written a brand new essay. The best part is, it’s not plagiarism because you wrote it in the first place!

3) Your mother always told you to wash colored clothes separately from whites (note to guys: yes she did.). Unless you have a brand new garment, it is usually ok to ignore this rule. Doing laundry in college involves gathering up all the dirty clothes on your floor and stuffing as many as possible into one washer. It is acceptable to wear jeans repeatedly, and for guys (shh) it’s usually acceptable to re-wear shirts as long as they don’t smell or have obvious stains on them. I’ll let you make up your own decision about underwear and socks – if you have money to spare (ha), the easiest way to go is just buy new socks whenever you run out.

4) A tip for "emo" kids: Kill two birds with one stone and slit poetry into your wrists.

Now that you’ve wasted all this time reading an excessively long entry on how to save time, you’d better get back to what’s really important – wandering the hall until you find someone who’s watching the game on a bigger TV than yours.

*Fun Fact: Multitasking is CollegeSkill #11 - more important than CS #12 (Rationalizing) but below CS #10 (Finding Quarters For Laundry)

Fantastic Advice #2: Myspace or Yours?

Remember the old days, when the only time you would hear the word "stalker" was in reference to some lovable, zany character who zanily scaled the security fence of a celebrity and then zanily tried to murder said celebrity in his or her sleep? Well, those days are long gone, and with their passing we usher in a new age, the age of Myspace.

I remember the first time I ever heard of Myspace. Yay, I recall it in vivid detail as if 'twere but yesterday...

[Cue dreamy-type music for flashback]

Nate: Hey Joel, you know how you are always way cooler than I am?

Me: Is the sky Catholic?!

Nate: Um, what? Well anyway this time I'm the cool one because I just discovered this awesome website.

Me: Oh really, what is it?

Nate: It's called "Myspace," and you get to make your own profile and tell people all about your interests and crap.

Me: Ha, ha! That site is for losers. It will never catch on! Again I say, ha!

[End flashback sequence]

As you all know, I was wrong. Not about the site being for losers, but that it would never catch on. I honestly thought that Myspace would always be solely the domain of undereducated, perverted self-aggrandizers and internet junkies too timid to make face-to-face interaction, but instead it has turned out completely diff... okay nevermind that, the point is that it caught on.

Which brings me to my original point about stalkers. Nowadays, the word is thrown around like weird German underwear at a David Hasselhoff concert. How many times a day do you hear people in your dorm/apartment talking about how either they or someone they know has been "Facebook stalked" or "Myspace stalked," or "actually stalked--no seriously I mean some guy crept through my window while i was sleeping and tried to photograph me?" Pay no attention to that last one. I swear I was just trying to find my pen which I let her borrow, or something. The point is that stalking is no big deal anymore. Its not that this new form is any less invasive--in most cases it's probably more invasive--it's just that nowadays we submit to it willingly.

Now, I know there are a few hold-outs out there reading this. You're probably sitting there thinking, Wtf* mang? I have IM; isn't that good enough? No. This isn't 2000 anymore, okay Jonny McLivinginthepastman? IM profiles nowadays aren't used to describe one's self as much as to post links to anti-war or anti-cancer websites, provide oh-so-deep song lyrics, and share really meaningful and sage advice passed down through the ages from wise philosphers, who said things like "LiVelAuGHloVe."

So stop using your IM profile to describe yourself (name, age, favorite foods, etc.) and start using it to type in AlteRnAtiNg cApiTOl aNd lOwErCasE LEtTerS. You should probably throw in a couple ~tildas~ and maybe some *asterisks* for added panache. Then go set up your Myspace profile.

When creating your Myspace profile, there are three levels at which you can do it.

Level 1: Apathy and Neglect
The entry-level Myspace user's profile is characterized by extreme negligence. This is the guy who set up his account in January of 2005, and maybe checks it every six months or so to see if any hot chicks have tried to add him as a friend.

The profile look: basic blue and white. No additions or alterations, although there might be a song playing, most likely by Dave Matthews Band or O.A.R.

Level 2: High Timidity or Closet Narcissist
The Level 2 user's profile is often set to "private," meaning that Billy-Rae Stalkenberry cannot just click on the user's picture and suddenly have access to all her "besties" (like friends only way more gay of a term) and favorite bands, food, and how killer last night's party was. This user has no doubt visited www.dannyssweetandawesomemyspacelayoutdesigns.com and has made some entry-level changes to background colors, font styles, and text effects.

Because her profile is set to private, you have to specially request to be her friend or make comments on her page. Don't be deceived, though. Deep down, the Level 2 user is an attention freak. She just wants to have a little security at the door, like a bouncer at a trendy nightclub. Basically she wants you to work to give her attention. You can't just adore her, you need her permission first. It's brilliant.

Level 3: Full Blown Mind Evaporation
I know from the title of this one, you are going to think that being at Level 3 is a bad thing. Au contraire, mon frere. The third level of Myspace use is the one to which we should all aspire. The Level 3 user has completely surrendered any and all privacy he would ever hope for, and in return has been granted full internet exposure and fame.

The Level 3 profile is so jumbled up with sparkly stars, black backgrounds, scrolling picture slideshows, movie quotes, and sound bites, that it has become impossible to discern any kind of meaningful information about the actual person. When you visit a Level 3 user's profile, you may notice that every square inch of your monitor is covered by a picture of somebody from either "The OC," "Laguna Beach," or "Family Guy." This is a good thing. You may also think you are going insane because you hear two or even three songs at once. This is because the user's zeal to make the kickin'-est Myspace profile ever caused him to add in nine songs from his favorite artists (all of which are currently playing on top-40 radio stations right now!). You should be happy only three of them are playing at once.

Level 3 is most frequently reached by teenage girls and 23-year-old guys who like to date teenage girls, so expect a lot of sparkly things and references to Japanese card games (yeah that's right, Woj, I said it).

Until you have achieved Level 3 status, or as I like to put it, "Myspacenlightenment," it is best to visit Level 3 profiles only in measured amounts. Otherwise, your head is going to explode, so don't say I didn't warn you.

To summarize, you need to get on Myspace. Work your way through the levels, and I want to see which of you can be the first to make it to Level 4, which is when your profile is just a gigantic ball of glitter. Get ready, get set, get stalked!

*What's the Four-one-one? This is a profanity-free weblog, okay jerks?

fin

Addendum: You can now check out College Knowledge on Myspace. Click here to see our kick-a profile!!!1

Fanta$tic Advice #1

As a new academic year approaches, the most important thing nascent scholars can do is turn to the wisdom of those who have come before them.

They must seek out and soak up the knowledge of alumni who have been there, done that and drawn useful conclusions.

Are you entering the school year? Are you reveling in the cooling temperatures and the brilliant autumn leaves? Are you thrilled to be away from those who claim you as a "dependant"? Are you tickled pink at the thought of maybe, finally, you know, if you play your cards right, getting laid?

If "Yes!" was your response to any of the above, I want you to lean in to your computer and PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION to the golden nugget of wisdom I'm about to share with you:

DO NOT PLEDGE TO PAY ANY MONEY YOU DO NOT CURRENTLY HAVE.

As soon as you step foot on campus, you will be smothered with opportunity. Primarily, the opportunity to donate money to the school that will be providing your higher education. Here's how it's going to go:

You'll be at some extracurricular activities fair. Perhaps you'll stop by the yearbook committee or the ping pong club booths. It will be a pretty hot day, and you'll think, "Man, I sure could use one of those mini-motorized fans kids are carrying around. I wonder which booth is giving those out." You will approach someone with a fan, "Hey, where did you get that?"

"Oh, by the Alumni Association table," some chump will casually respond. "All I had to do was sign up to be a member. It's $400, but it's cool, you don't have to pay until after graduation. And this fan...this motorized fan is great in this heat."

Sure, the mini fan is great on a hot day, but it is not worth $400.

You may think to yourself, "Well, after I graduate and start working, I'll be rich, and easily be able to pay off the money, SURE! I'll sign up!"

This is a mistake.

You don't have $400 now, and you won't have $400 when you start working, if you start working, if anyone will hire you with your sociology and political science degree. Sure, you're pre-med/pre-law/pre-filthy rich now, but... Don't do it. Don't pledge money you do not have. Don't join any "Associations" with member fees. That enticing fan is not worth your first paycheck, which I guarantee you, will be earned by staring at some spreadsheet.

The Inaugural Article

Welcome to "College!", the first known weblog entirely devoted to educating college students on everything but their actual education.

Have you ever wished there was a website that told you all the practical knowledge about college that you just can't seem to find on the websites designed by admissions counselors and journalists decades removed from actual college life? Are you worried you might have to learn about life from your experiences? Well cry yourself to sleep no more, high school students and college freshmen, because I and my indefatiguable crew of actual college graduates are here, and we have already experienced it all, so now you don't have to.

So stay tuned, future leaders of America, because you are about to get kicked in the face with a bootfull of COLLEGE KNOWLEDGE!